I have said very little in the last few days. I’ve been stressed with real life issues, and frankly, haven’t felt up to saying a word about it on here. My grandmother, who I’m very close to, has a terminal condition that will probably end her life within the month - a tear in her aorta that could… just rip open like a zipper, or burst like an aneurysm at any time. It’s been a depressing three weeks. First she was in the hospital for gall bladder surgery - they thought that was causing her chest pain. Then, a week later, she was back… and that’s when they discovered the real problem. She’s been having the pain since late January - it’s a miracle she’s lived this long.

I’ve been busy talking to my mother (Grandma is her mother) and visiting and just trying to keep busy in general.

I’ve also been working on the chicken brooder, and watching my herbs grow (that aerogarden really works wonders!) and shopping online for my secret pal, and for me, of course, and working an extra day this week, and an extra half-shift last week, and dealing with the fact that I am basically on my own for Easter due to my work schedule, despite the fact that the entire family (all my mother’s siblings) are coming up to visit Grandma, and dealing with the fact that I virtually had no birthday celebration, and certainly had no weeklong vacation/trip to the Big City to shop with Mom as planned, and not even a trip up to Canada to have Joey’s Only Seafood, as desired. And more, there’s been deaths in the families of two co-workers (hence the overtime) and with Grandma’s health the way it is, there will soon be a death in mine, and there is no way I can plan to get out of town anytime in April for a week (since my first plans at the end of March were cancelled due to the gallbladder surgery), and I’ve just got the feeling that I won’t be doing anything in May, either.

And dammit, I’m /stressed/.

Beyond measure.

And the chicks are coming Monday, and I had a crisis about the feed that I have to try to resolve in a couple hours when the hatchery opens up so I can call and have them change my order slightly. And I still have no coop, though at least I have the brooder part - hopefully - figured out, but I have to get cracking on it that this morning, and tonight. And tomorrow. And I have to clean my house because it’s driving me nuts, and god forbid some uncle want to stop by (I doubt it, I’m sure everyone will be busy, but one never knows, of course) and I really wanted to dye eggs - both for Ostara and Easter, but I just don’t think I have time…

I’m running out of breath here, and all I’m doing as typing. Please. Remember to breathe while you read this.

Everything just seems overwhelming at this point, and I really need to sit down and take a long bubble bath, and chant quietly to mysef: And this too shall pass.

In the midst of my upset-ness two days ago, I shuffled the tarot deck and drew a card about the situation with Grandma. The first one I drew was the nine of wands, and it really impacted what I /wanted/ to do - fight. Fight on. Do something - anything - to keep Grandma going. And then I asked myself what I /needed/ to do in this situation. And I drew the eight of cups. Let go.

I don’t want to. But all things must come to an end. All of us will one day pass on, and the only thing those left living can do is let go, and move on.

I just wish it was so easy as all that.

Anyway. If I am still more absent… this is why. Busy with chicks - and gods, how I need a symbol for renewal and life right now - and busy with family, making the most of what time we have left, wishing that I could go back and change the past and visit her more often than I did.

But we all have lives to live, paths to walk. I have many, many good memories, and will always have them. And I have time now to make up for what I may have lost.

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