I’ve been reading. Read 9 books this year already. They’ve all been good, except this last worthless pile of paper called The Two Minute Rule. I cannot believe the author, Robert Crais, has a dozen or so books published, because this was one lameass book. Did he ever get the “show, don’t tell” lecture? Because he needs to.

He also needs to get the “contrived endings don’t make for good endings” lecture, because this one made me gag. It made no sense at all. None. Nada.

I consider myself a writer. I write, after all. Lots. Never published a bloody thing, probably never will [frankly, I’m a chronic unfinisher], but obviously, I /could/. I mean, I could write this shit. Is that all it takes to get published? Words on paper, even if they’re deader-than-a-doornail words with no emotion, no feeling, no life?

Oigh.

So here’s my TT for the week - 13 Ways To Write Badly. This book didn’t violate all of them (though a good lot of them, I’ll say), and I could go on for a lot more than 13, but this’ll do.

Thirteen Ways to Write Badly!

1. Tell. Don’t show them anything - your readers don’t want to experience the story, they just want to hear it like news on the radio.
2. Introduce characters in the first chapter by first and last name, give them a point of view to tell their side of the story, make like they’re an important character, and then never look at them again. Ever. This gives your story an aura of mystery, even once the readers finish! Excellent!
3. Give everyone stupid nicknames and throw them around every now and then just for the heck of it. Readers love that shit.
4. Talk brand names. Who needs honest description when a brand name will do?
5. Contrive an ending. Your character was a bank robber? Make him rob a bank at the end to save the day, even if it’s unnecessary and more, outrageous. Excess drama makes for a bestseller!
6. Pitable characters are good characters. How can readers possibly like your character if they don’t pity them? Make sure your character is depressed, unhappy, and miserable, and then make sure he’s a complete failure, and then make sure he knows it and thinks it… often. That’s right.
7. And don’t forget to tell them so. None of that showing business. Your readers don’t wanna think! This is important here!
8. Flat, one dimensional characters are the way to go. Don’t put any more time into the characters than your readers will - a few thoughts on the matter is good enough. I mean, giving anyone but the main characters personality is a total waste of time.
9. Characters shouldn’t change. Not in the book, anyway. If you make the characters grow or change, people will just think you’re a crappy author because you couldn’t make up your mind.
10. If you must make them change, make it big changes. Instantaneous ones. No pressure needed. Just do it, and get it over with fast. Don’t make them dwell on it, or your readers will, too, and then you’ll be that crappy author who can’t stick with anything.
11. If you’re not writing about a miserable, pitiable character, make sure you’re writing about Superman. Everyone loves superheroes, because they can do no wrong and know everything.
12. If you don’t have a plot, put lots of drama into things - sex and emotion and turmoil and things that go round and round and round so nobody ever realizes your mistake. You’ll be fine. I swear.
13. If you DO have a plot, don’t make the above mistake. Plot should strictly be plot. No emotion. Don’t let those characters have feelings, or it’ll sideline you. Well, not many feelings. And for god’s sake, don’t show it if they do. A quick: “He was surprised.” will do the trick. Point A to Point B. Nothing more.

1. jenny 2. Julie Doe

3. bonnie 4. You're next!

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2 Comments »

1. amazing list, it’s very good and i can tell u are a great writer!

   Comment by jenny — January 26, 2007 @ 7:08 am

2. Cool list! (My TT was also about writing this week). I’ve got a couple more for you:

   14. Never use “said” when you can think of a better word, e.g. shouted, whispered, commented, etc.

   15. Use lots and lots and lots of adverbs.

   Comment by Julie Doe — January 26, 2007 @ 3:16 pm

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